Hi, my name is Belle, and I am an alcoholic.

Hi, my name is Belle, and I am an alcoholic.

Or am I?

You see, I've been trying to do this new eating thing, you know, no carbs, no sugar, less alcohol etc etc

I'm finding it quite difficult, which makes me wonder if I have a drinking problem.

Now I'm not a 'raging alcy' or anything, but when I drink, I tend to drink to excess. Once I reach 'that' point, I'll drink anything that's available to me and suffer the consequences in the morning.

Such consequences involve not being able to drive my partner to work, and only being prepared to risk it as far as the bus stop.

When did I become this irresponsible?

What would I do if I had kids and had to do a School run?

Would I really put their lives in harms way?

Having been on a detox for the past month (which Christmas has not helped) I'm finding that the effects of Alcohol are magnified, and I find myself wondering, why do this to myself?

What is it in my brain that can't say no once I've started?

I believe that the root of my issue is lack of self respect. If I respected my body and the way I feel, I wouldn't do this anywhere near as often. I used to be in a bad relationship, which is when the regular nightly drinking started. After six months, the habit was formed, and now I like to have a drink with my evening meal, but more often than not, I'll also finish the bottle.

As a self confessed control freak, I don't like this situation. I'm not comfortable with something that appears to control me. I like to think that I could have just one or two and then leave the rest for another night, and that DOES happen, but at this time of year, it's tough.

Like most people who drink like I do, I convince myself that it's OK, and that it's normal, and that it's just what people do these days to unwind. But I know that's not really true. So what do I do? Do I admit defeat and go t-total? Or do I accept the challenge and continue to battle my inner alcoholic that says 'just one, it wont hurt'.

So yes, my name IS Belle, and I DO have a drink problem.

Maybe My Life Just Isn't That Interesting

I always feel like I have a lot to say to you, but when I come to sit here, finger tips poised above my over used keyboard, nothing flows from me.

There are plenty of things I could write about it, love, loss, grief, happiness, excitement, anticipation. I've had many an experience where these emotions have been dominant, and yet, nothing.

Nada

Zip

Maybe it's blogger block, or maybe my life just isn't that interesting.

Sure, I'd lived in four countries by the time I was 13, was a heavy drinker by the time I was 14, and found the best way to get what I wanted from a guy, was to flirt. God blessed me with an ample bosom and unusual eyes, so this was generally not a problem.

I'd penned 165 poems by the time I was 19, all of them currently sitting in a note pad, on backs of receipts, somewhere in the computer archives, never to see the light of a publishers desk. At least not until I'm good and ready.

Maybe I have so much to say, that I don't know where to start.

How do you start to pour your inner soul out when all you have always been told is to 'suck it up' and be strong. The last thing I want to do is seem weak and whiny.

Maybe my deep hidden yearning for acceptance is stopping me, in case I fail. I could sit here quite happily and tell you that I don't need your approval, your adoration, your constant presence in my world, but it would be just a tiny piece of a lie. Everybody wants to feel wanted.

Everybody wants to think they don't need others, but the human being is not designed for a life of solitary. I need other people, they are my energy.

For now, I am going to continue unpacking the mountain of boxes that is my spare room. Moving house the week before Christmas is a hectic thing to do!... Maybe my mind just hasn't been quiet enough to find that inner voice.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, and which you all the very best for 2009

Belle

x

Day Four – A New Attitude

All things considered, I’m feeling pretty good.

I’m not craving anything anymore, which is a big plus.

Day 1 and 2 were quite bad for headaches and cravings, but I think I’ve come out the other side now.

My legs are still sore, I think maybe I need to get my hands on some calcium supplements, so it’ll be a trip to the pharmacy for me at lunch time. I was on a magnesium supplement, so it must be a calcium thing.

Today I feel good. I feel awake, and I have energy, and when I’m listening to my music on the bus I wish the bus was empty so that I can dance like no one is looking. Because that’s what I like to do.

I did it last night. I did my half an hour on the cross trainer, then did some push ups and sit ups, and decided I still wasn’t done, so I danced to some music.

And why not!

The one thing I am struggling with is Alcohol.

Going through this kind of process with either make you go T-Total, or, when the process is finished, you end up hitting booze quite hard and undoing all your hard work.

I can drink red wine, but only one or two glasses a week. I do like my red wine, but for a good red wine you need to be prepared to spend a bit of money.

I confess that prior to the detox, I liked, well, still like, my drink. I think on average we’d go through 3 litres of wine and a bottle of spirits a week between two of us. Not good really, but because it’s something we’re used to, we just stick to the routine. However, not that my body is feeling lighter and brighter and healthy, I’m not sure I want to go back there. I’m sure that I will drink again, but I don’t think I’ll be drinking very often, or much. My partner will be disappointed… but he’ll get over it I’m sure.

I also don’t miss the sweet stuff, and that I will be staying off. I’m not missing the cakes or muffins or chocolate or biscuits, so I don’t think I’ll be having much of those anymore!

It would seem that I’ve finally found something that will work for me. My mother criticised it for being a bit extreme, but I’ve struggled on my own in the past. I needed to go to someone to help me and get me on the right track, and she’s done that. One my brain and my body have been retrained to know what it needs, rather than what it wants, and I remain in control, I think the new me will thrive.

Day Three – Change Of Pace

I probably don’t have to mention that for the past couple of days as I’ve started my detox, I felt somewhat sorry for myself.

Being so focused on all the things I can’t have and not do as apposed to all the things I can have, because there is actually quite a lot of things I can have, made me look at the negative side of the detoxification process.

Plus I felt like shit, which didn’t help.

However, today is a new day.

I feel good today. So far I don’t have a headache, I don’t feel sick, and I’m not craving anything. I do have aching legs though, not sure what that’s about, but my calves and my thighs have a dull ache about them.

Yes, today I feel good. I feel alert, although still a bit tired, and I feel like I can now manage this better than I thought.

How is the throat I hear you ask?.. it’s getting there. I picked up an elixir to help with the gland issue, and it’s helped quite a bit. It’s still sore, but it’s getting better and that’s the main thing. I was warned that the elixir would taste horrible, but I actually quite like it.

In other news, I’ve decided to take up a degree in business studies next year, which is exciting, and slightly daunting. Enrolments are in January and the degree starts in March.

Of course I’m going to need a laptop, bring on the January sales.

We’ll also need a washing machine, an outdoor setting, and maybe a BarBQ. Bring on Decembers pay day with my backdated pay rise.

But, I may be looking at an opportunity to get into Project Controls, so it might be worth my while forking out $900 and going to the Australian Institute of Management in January for their 2 day project management workshop. PM was never something I saw myself getting into, but project control is different. I know a man who knows a guy who has way too many financial controllers on his project team and needs someone who does everything but the financial stuff, which is pretty much me in a nut shell. (you’d need a big nut to stick me in a nutshell though).

But then there’s the whole ‘Australia needs to get on the renewable energy bandwagon’ which I completely agree with, and they need a renewable trading scheme like they have in the UK. I’d love to be involved in that sort of thing again, but I think it’s going to be a long way off. Maybe I should pen a letter to Mr Rudd.

Ah, aspirations, what would we do without them?

Day Two – Less Than Ordinary

Last night was hell.

I had dinner and then just sat on the sofa, feeling like crap, not saying a word. My head was pounding, my glands were killing me, and I debated for about half an hour on weather I could have a Lemsip. In the end I had one because I could totally justify the 2.3g of sugar, and an ease in the pain in my neck.

Reluctantly I dragged myself into the back room and worked out on our cross trainer for half an hour because I knew that I had to.

The glands are much better today, and I’m picking up a tonic from my naturopath at lunch time to help.

When I woke up this morning I felt less than ordinary. I have a dull constant headache, but that’s normal for this sort of thing and I’m very tired. I just wanted to stay in bed and sleep. I nearly fell asleep on the bus on the way into work this morning.

I’ve picked up a bit now though, but I’m still a bit hazy. I have my handful of almonds to munch on through the day, and my supplements.

I’m surprised I don’t rattle when I walk with the amount of tablets I’m taking.

I have;

Resist-x to combat the cravings – 3 a day
Paraex to fight any parasites – 3 a day
Ultrabloplya-something – not sure what’s this for, but I have to take 2 caps twice a day
Manganese – this is powder to keep my muscle tone – twice a day in water
KetoSlim – one serve twice a day in milk (shook up)
Keto Bars – half a bar a day, when ever I feel I need it
Lipogen – one twice a day – for the liver

And I have to drink 3 litres of water day – which is cool because hot water helps control my hunger.

Fun Fun Fun

Soldier on Belle…. Soldier On

Day One - And All Is Well

It’s lunch time on day one of my detoxification, and so far, I’m holding up ok.

The fact that I’ve only had 4 hours sleep doesn’t help. It’s hard to know if I’m tired because I am now a carbohydrate free zone, or because I haven’t had adequate beauty sleep.

At around lunch time I started to get a headache, but I’ve since had a salad with tuna and half a supplement bar, and I’m feeling ok again. With the exception of sore glands, which have been rather persistent for two weeks. Note To Self – mention this at the doctors on Saturday.

My preliminary visit post detox to my Naturopath saw me weigh in at 100kg, with a 118cm waist, and 118cm thighs. She also measured my chest because I was curious, but I shall not be sharing that!

So the hard and fast rules for weeks one and two are;

No non-vegetable based carbohydrates at all (with exception of Potatoes, which IS vegetable based, but also a no go item)

No sugar of any sort, including fruit and honey.

No artificial sweeteners

No alcohol – can someone pass me a tissue while I weep in mourning?

No caffeine of any kind – it’s just as well I like herbal tea

30 minutes exercise every day

No medicated items (because of the sugar etc), so no Lemsip or Strepsils for my sore glands… tea tree oil here I come.

I am finding it difficult to concentrate today, but with the lack of sleep I’m not surprised, and the general feeling of not wanting to be here doesn’t really help. I have a sneaking suspicion that I may fall asleep on the bus on the way home today.

There are worst things that could happen

Like, falling asleep while driving home

Or falling asleep while piloting a plane full of people across the country… but then again, they do have auto pilot, which in some instances hasn’t been working… hmm.. note to self – don’t fly Qantas

In addition to the No No list, I have the blood type list. I’m finding a lot of the recipies that I want to cook actually contain vegetables that my bloody type can’t handle well. So I’m substituting and becoming rather a whizz at Metagenics Program meets Bloody Type O. further note To Self – niche in market, devise Metagenics diet programs for various blood groups. Become rich AND skinny!

YoYo

Yes.

I’m a YoYo dieter.

Aren’t we all?

Although right now I’m more of a Yo than a Yo

I used to be quite slim, although walking 3km to the bus stop and back every day with a back pack full of school books will do that a teenager.

And I wasn’t really eating right.

My mother is convinced I was

But believe me, I wasn’t.

A slice of toast for breakfast, a coke / iced coffee for lunch, and what ever mum made for dinner, and that was my intake. So clearly I was burning off more than I was consuming.

I can’t do that anymore. I actually have to THINK at varying points in my day, which requires brain function, which is generally only achieved through eating.

I looked good though, and I still have my year 12 formal dress, that I’ve vowed to get back into, one day.

I’ve tried most of what’s available, with exception to the things that my partner wont allow, such as diet pills, he thinks they’re evil and will do bad things to me.

But I have tried working out a lot, and found I have no time for my friends and family, or myself. I was doing two or three hours a day in the gym, straight after work or on the way to work, or on the weekend when I had ‘nothing else to do’.

It became a big of an obsession. But it did work.

I was eating normally. Yes I ate fast food and consumed alcohol, but all the working out cancelled it out. I lost about 10 to 15 kilos.

Then I moved country, and walked everywhere.

The diet suffered, and the weight crept back on, but the walking everywhere managed to keep it down to a manageable ‘still sort of feel good about myself’ level.

Now I’m back in Australia, and I drive or bus it all over the place, I have negligible self control when it comes to fast food and chocolates, I drink too much, and I don’t exercise at all.

I’m not really sure what happened, but I’m definitely heavier than I’ve been in a long long time.

At my heaviest, I was 115kg. I was miserable with my life, not with myself, but with my LIFE.

So I changed it, and I got my life back, and I got happy.

I’m still happy, so I’m not quite sure why I’m holding onto the weight.

I definitely believe that as you near your 30s weight goes on quicker and take twice as long to get off, and eventually you reach a point where you have to admit that maybe, just maybe, I can’t do this on my own this time.

Currently I weight 100kg, and have a natural chest size to rival Pammy, but I hate it.

My frame isn’t built for 100kg, I’m a classic hour glass shape, but I’m not that broad. I’m about 5ft 7inch and Asthmatic, so it really doesn’t help to be 25kg over your ‘ideal’ weight.

I hate that phrase

‘ideal weight’

Everyone is different, but rather than working towards an ideal weight, I’ve decided to try and work away from what’s NOT ideal… which is what I’m at now.

My last resort, or more so, my kick start into my new me, is my naturopath.

She’s been great.

She’s had me detoxifying for the past few weeks and I feel much better. Today is the day we start phase two.

Phase two apparently is very hard, and she has warned me that it will not be pretty, and that I need to be mentally prepared for the withdrawals.

I think I can handle it.

I’ll be blogging my journey, I have to share my pain with someone.
Even if it’s Cyber Space.