Hi, my name is Belle, and I am an alcoholic.

Hi, my name is Belle, and I am an alcoholic.

Or am I?

You see, I've been trying to do this new eating thing, you know, no carbs, no sugar, less alcohol etc etc

I'm finding it quite difficult, which makes me wonder if I have a drinking problem.

Now I'm not a 'raging alcy' or anything, but when I drink, I tend to drink to excess. Once I reach 'that' point, I'll drink anything that's available to me and suffer the consequences in the morning.

Such consequences involve not being able to drive my partner to work, and only being prepared to risk it as far as the bus stop.

When did I become this irresponsible?

What would I do if I had kids and had to do a School run?

Would I really put their lives in harms way?

Having been on a detox for the past month (which Christmas has not helped) I'm finding that the effects of Alcohol are magnified, and I find myself wondering, why do this to myself?

What is it in my brain that can't say no once I've started?

I believe that the root of my issue is lack of self respect. If I respected my body and the way I feel, I wouldn't do this anywhere near as often. I used to be in a bad relationship, which is when the regular nightly drinking started. After six months, the habit was formed, and now I like to have a drink with my evening meal, but more often than not, I'll also finish the bottle.

As a self confessed control freak, I don't like this situation. I'm not comfortable with something that appears to control me. I like to think that I could have just one or two and then leave the rest for another night, and that DOES happen, but at this time of year, it's tough.

Like most people who drink like I do, I convince myself that it's OK, and that it's normal, and that it's just what people do these days to unwind. But I know that's not really true. So what do I do? Do I admit defeat and go t-total? Or do I accept the challenge and continue to battle my inner alcoholic that says 'just one, it wont hurt'.

So yes, my name IS Belle, and I DO have a drink problem.

Maybe My Life Just Isn't That Interesting

I always feel like I have a lot to say to you, but when I come to sit here, finger tips poised above my over used keyboard, nothing flows from me.

There are plenty of things I could write about it, love, loss, grief, happiness, excitement, anticipation. I've had many an experience where these emotions have been dominant, and yet, nothing.

Nada

Zip

Maybe it's blogger block, or maybe my life just isn't that interesting.

Sure, I'd lived in four countries by the time I was 13, was a heavy drinker by the time I was 14, and found the best way to get what I wanted from a guy, was to flirt. God blessed me with an ample bosom and unusual eyes, so this was generally not a problem.

I'd penned 165 poems by the time I was 19, all of them currently sitting in a note pad, on backs of receipts, somewhere in the computer archives, never to see the light of a publishers desk. At least not until I'm good and ready.

Maybe I have so much to say, that I don't know where to start.

How do you start to pour your inner soul out when all you have always been told is to 'suck it up' and be strong. The last thing I want to do is seem weak and whiny.

Maybe my deep hidden yearning for acceptance is stopping me, in case I fail. I could sit here quite happily and tell you that I don't need your approval, your adoration, your constant presence in my world, but it would be just a tiny piece of a lie. Everybody wants to feel wanted.

Everybody wants to think they don't need others, but the human being is not designed for a life of solitary. I need other people, they are my energy.

For now, I am going to continue unpacking the mountain of boxes that is my spare room. Moving house the week before Christmas is a hectic thing to do!... Maybe my mind just hasn't been quiet enough to find that inner voice.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, and which you all the very best for 2009

Belle

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