Day Four – A New Attitude

All things considered, I’m feeling pretty good.

I’m not craving anything anymore, which is a big plus.

Day 1 and 2 were quite bad for headaches and cravings, but I think I’ve come out the other side now.

My legs are still sore, I think maybe I need to get my hands on some calcium supplements, so it’ll be a trip to the pharmacy for me at lunch time. I was on a magnesium supplement, so it must be a calcium thing.

Today I feel good. I feel awake, and I have energy, and when I’m listening to my music on the bus I wish the bus was empty so that I can dance like no one is looking. Because that’s what I like to do.

I did it last night. I did my half an hour on the cross trainer, then did some push ups and sit ups, and decided I still wasn’t done, so I danced to some music.

And why not!

The one thing I am struggling with is Alcohol.

Going through this kind of process with either make you go T-Total, or, when the process is finished, you end up hitting booze quite hard and undoing all your hard work.

I can drink red wine, but only one or two glasses a week. I do like my red wine, but for a good red wine you need to be prepared to spend a bit of money.

I confess that prior to the detox, I liked, well, still like, my drink. I think on average we’d go through 3 litres of wine and a bottle of spirits a week between two of us. Not good really, but because it’s something we’re used to, we just stick to the routine. However, not that my body is feeling lighter and brighter and healthy, I’m not sure I want to go back there. I’m sure that I will drink again, but I don’t think I’ll be drinking very often, or much. My partner will be disappointed… but he’ll get over it I’m sure.

I also don’t miss the sweet stuff, and that I will be staying off. I’m not missing the cakes or muffins or chocolate or biscuits, so I don’t think I’ll be having much of those anymore!

It would seem that I’ve finally found something that will work for me. My mother criticised it for being a bit extreme, but I’ve struggled on my own in the past. I needed to go to someone to help me and get me on the right track, and she’s done that. One my brain and my body have been retrained to know what it needs, rather than what it wants, and I remain in control, I think the new me will thrive.

Day Three – Change Of Pace

I probably don’t have to mention that for the past couple of days as I’ve started my detox, I felt somewhat sorry for myself.

Being so focused on all the things I can’t have and not do as apposed to all the things I can have, because there is actually quite a lot of things I can have, made me look at the negative side of the detoxification process.

Plus I felt like shit, which didn’t help.

However, today is a new day.

I feel good today. So far I don’t have a headache, I don’t feel sick, and I’m not craving anything. I do have aching legs though, not sure what that’s about, but my calves and my thighs have a dull ache about them.

Yes, today I feel good. I feel alert, although still a bit tired, and I feel like I can now manage this better than I thought.

How is the throat I hear you ask?.. it’s getting there. I picked up an elixir to help with the gland issue, and it’s helped quite a bit. It’s still sore, but it’s getting better and that’s the main thing. I was warned that the elixir would taste horrible, but I actually quite like it.

In other news, I’ve decided to take up a degree in business studies next year, which is exciting, and slightly daunting. Enrolments are in January and the degree starts in March.

Of course I’m going to need a laptop, bring on the January sales.

We’ll also need a washing machine, an outdoor setting, and maybe a BarBQ. Bring on Decembers pay day with my backdated pay rise.

But, I may be looking at an opportunity to get into Project Controls, so it might be worth my while forking out $900 and going to the Australian Institute of Management in January for their 2 day project management workshop. PM was never something I saw myself getting into, but project control is different. I know a man who knows a guy who has way too many financial controllers on his project team and needs someone who does everything but the financial stuff, which is pretty much me in a nut shell. (you’d need a big nut to stick me in a nutshell though).

But then there’s the whole ‘Australia needs to get on the renewable energy bandwagon’ which I completely agree with, and they need a renewable trading scheme like they have in the UK. I’d love to be involved in that sort of thing again, but I think it’s going to be a long way off. Maybe I should pen a letter to Mr Rudd.

Ah, aspirations, what would we do without them?

Day Two – Less Than Ordinary

Last night was hell.

I had dinner and then just sat on the sofa, feeling like crap, not saying a word. My head was pounding, my glands were killing me, and I debated for about half an hour on weather I could have a Lemsip. In the end I had one because I could totally justify the 2.3g of sugar, and an ease in the pain in my neck.

Reluctantly I dragged myself into the back room and worked out on our cross trainer for half an hour because I knew that I had to.

The glands are much better today, and I’m picking up a tonic from my naturopath at lunch time to help.

When I woke up this morning I felt less than ordinary. I have a dull constant headache, but that’s normal for this sort of thing and I’m very tired. I just wanted to stay in bed and sleep. I nearly fell asleep on the bus on the way into work this morning.

I’ve picked up a bit now though, but I’m still a bit hazy. I have my handful of almonds to munch on through the day, and my supplements.

I’m surprised I don’t rattle when I walk with the amount of tablets I’m taking.

I have;

Resist-x to combat the cravings – 3 a day
Paraex to fight any parasites – 3 a day
Ultrabloplya-something – not sure what’s this for, but I have to take 2 caps twice a day
Manganese – this is powder to keep my muscle tone – twice a day in water
KetoSlim – one serve twice a day in milk (shook up)
Keto Bars – half a bar a day, when ever I feel I need it
Lipogen – one twice a day – for the liver

And I have to drink 3 litres of water day – which is cool because hot water helps control my hunger.

Fun Fun Fun

Soldier on Belle…. Soldier On

Day One - And All Is Well

It’s lunch time on day one of my detoxification, and so far, I’m holding up ok.

The fact that I’ve only had 4 hours sleep doesn’t help. It’s hard to know if I’m tired because I am now a carbohydrate free zone, or because I haven’t had adequate beauty sleep.

At around lunch time I started to get a headache, but I’ve since had a salad with tuna and half a supplement bar, and I’m feeling ok again. With the exception of sore glands, which have been rather persistent for two weeks. Note To Self – mention this at the doctors on Saturday.

My preliminary visit post detox to my Naturopath saw me weigh in at 100kg, with a 118cm waist, and 118cm thighs. She also measured my chest because I was curious, but I shall not be sharing that!

So the hard and fast rules for weeks one and two are;

No non-vegetable based carbohydrates at all (with exception of Potatoes, which IS vegetable based, but also a no go item)

No sugar of any sort, including fruit and honey.

No artificial sweeteners

No alcohol – can someone pass me a tissue while I weep in mourning?

No caffeine of any kind – it’s just as well I like herbal tea

30 minutes exercise every day

No medicated items (because of the sugar etc), so no Lemsip or Strepsils for my sore glands… tea tree oil here I come.

I am finding it difficult to concentrate today, but with the lack of sleep I’m not surprised, and the general feeling of not wanting to be here doesn’t really help. I have a sneaking suspicion that I may fall asleep on the bus on the way home today.

There are worst things that could happen

Like, falling asleep while driving home

Or falling asleep while piloting a plane full of people across the country… but then again, they do have auto pilot, which in some instances hasn’t been working… hmm.. note to self – don’t fly Qantas

In addition to the No No list, I have the blood type list. I’m finding a lot of the recipies that I want to cook actually contain vegetables that my bloody type can’t handle well. So I’m substituting and becoming rather a whizz at Metagenics Program meets Bloody Type O. further note To Self – niche in market, devise Metagenics diet programs for various blood groups. Become rich AND skinny!

YoYo

Yes.

I’m a YoYo dieter.

Aren’t we all?

Although right now I’m more of a Yo than a Yo

I used to be quite slim, although walking 3km to the bus stop and back every day with a back pack full of school books will do that a teenager.

And I wasn’t really eating right.

My mother is convinced I was

But believe me, I wasn’t.

A slice of toast for breakfast, a coke / iced coffee for lunch, and what ever mum made for dinner, and that was my intake. So clearly I was burning off more than I was consuming.

I can’t do that anymore. I actually have to THINK at varying points in my day, which requires brain function, which is generally only achieved through eating.

I looked good though, and I still have my year 12 formal dress, that I’ve vowed to get back into, one day.

I’ve tried most of what’s available, with exception to the things that my partner wont allow, such as diet pills, he thinks they’re evil and will do bad things to me.

But I have tried working out a lot, and found I have no time for my friends and family, or myself. I was doing two or three hours a day in the gym, straight after work or on the way to work, or on the weekend when I had ‘nothing else to do’.

It became a big of an obsession. But it did work.

I was eating normally. Yes I ate fast food and consumed alcohol, but all the working out cancelled it out. I lost about 10 to 15 kilos.

Then I moved country, and walked everywhere.

The diet suffered, and the weight crept back on, but the walking everywhere managed to keep it down to a manageable ‘still sort of feel good about myself’ level.

Now I’m back in Australia, and I drive or bus it all over the place, I have negligible self control when it comes to fast food and chocolates, I drink too much, and I don’t exercise at all.

I’m not really sure what happened, but I’m definitely heavier than I’ve been in a long long time.

At my heaviest, I was 115kg. I was miserable with my life, not with myself, but with my LIFE.

So I changed it, and I got my life back, and I got happy.

I’m still happy, so I’m not quite sure why I’m holding onto the weight.

I definitely believe that as you near your 30s weight goes on quicker and take twice as long to get off, and eventually you reach a point where you have to admit that maybe, just maybe, I can’t do this on my own this time.

Currently I weight 100kg, and have a natural chest size to rival Pammy, but I hate it.

My frame isn’t built for 100kg, I’m a classic hour glass shape, but I’m not that broad. I’m about 5ft 7inch and Asthmatic, so it really doesn’t help to be 25kg over your ‘ideal’ weight.

I hate that phrase

‘ideal weight’

Everyone is different, but rather than working towards an ideal weight, I’ve decided to try and work away from what’s NOT ideal… which is what I’m at now.

My last resort, or more so, my kick start into my new me, is my naturopath.

She’s been great.

She’s had me detoxifying for the past few weeks and I feel much better. Today is the day we start phase two.

Phase two apparently is very hard, and she has warned me that it will not be pretty, and that I need to be mentally prepared for the withdrawals.

I think I can handle it.

I’ll be blogging my journey, I have to share my pain with someone.
Even if it’s Cyber Space.

EVERYONE LEAVES EVENTUALLY

Lately I find myself a little lost.

I know who I am

I know who I’m not

I know what I like

I know my faults and I keep them in check

I know what I won’t tolerate from others

But I’ve still manage to go and lose myself.

Well, more the ability to be myself.

The only person who sees me as me is my partner.

We’re a bit crazy, but that’s why we love each other.

We have random surrealist conversations, deep and meaningful conversations, we kills spiders with hairspray and a vacuum, have complete opposite tastes in all sorts of stuff, and therefore healthy debates, a sick sense of humour, and we laugh.

We laugh a lot. He truly brings joy to my life in so many ways.

Which is great, and he’s one in a million and that’s why I love him

But I used to have friends that I could be like that with too.

I used to have friends that saw the real me. Then my world was turned upside down, I did a disappearing act and cut myself off and built some seriously big barricades around my emotions and my personality.

He’s the only one who knows me, who I turned to at that time in my life, which is why he still knows the real me. He never lost me in that respect.

Not many other people know me, really know me.

One of the biggest issues I have is my adaptability.

I suppose normally that would be seen as a positive thing, but when you’ve moved around so much and had to adapt to people and situations and cultures from the age of nine, knowing who you are, who you really are, can be quite a task. I’m normally who ever I need to be for that person / situation.

It can be even harder trying to allow people past the barricades. Generally copious amounts of alcohol, or an in depth conversation via the internet (not face to face) is the way to get under my skin. When I don’t have to look you in the eye, I’ll tell you anything. When I can push a button and turn you off, or blame the booze, all is well.

Besides, who wants to make friends and then have to leave them behind in 12 months time anyway?

I find the balance between colleague and friend hard to maintain. I don’t like to discuss my personal life with people I barely know, but often the only way to get to know people is to discuss your personal life.

It’s a bit of a catch 22.

Maybe I think I’m complicated and that people just won’t understand me, or want to get to know me. Or it’s probably more to do with not wanting to have people close to me so that it can’t hurt when they leave.

Everyone leaves eventually, weather it’s physically removing themselves from the friendship or emotionally detaching, everyone, well, almost everyone, leaves eventually.

Even me.

The Night Watch

Last week I was asked if I was into the supernatural and things that go bump in the night. Not in so many words of course, but as I read between the lines, that was the general question.

Wondering if the pentagram, chakra and dragonfly combination hanging around my neck had given me away, which it would to someone who know a bit about that side of life, I lifted my left eyebrow curiously and asked why they were interested.

“I have this book I think you’d really like.”

“I take it this book is about the underworld then?”

“Yeah, Kind Of. Not as Dark as that, but yeah. I think you’d like it”

“Do you think you know me well enough to make that call?”

“I think I know enough” said with a sly smile.

I’m not generally the sort of person who wears their entire personality on their sleeve for the purpose of self preservation, so I considered this a bold call, and a correct one. It surprised me. I really didn’t think they knew me that well, it’s not like we are the sort of friends who hang out together outside of work. Perhaps they are just a good judge of character. Perhaps they are slightly more perceptive than I give them credit for.

I was handed The Night Watch, by Russian author Sergi Lukyanenko. Originally penned in Russian and recently translated into English, critics have compared it to J.K Rowling and the Harry Potter series. The only comparison I can see between the two is the subject matter, and that, to me, is where the similarities stop. I can say quite confidently that it’s one of the best books I’ve read in a long time.

Lukyanenko writes with much more maturity and practical application of the supernatural. It takes a different perspective on magic and it’s altogether a much more believable one. Light and Dark, good and Evil, maintaining the balance and the personal struggles that come with the path that is chosen for you, or more so, the path you choose. It much of the sort of things that those of us who wish were slightly super human could do. Harnessing energy; manipulating the conscious mind; slipping in and out of shadows; and maintaining the balance, not necessarily ‘for the greater good’.

Good can not exist without Evil, Evil can not exist without good. Everyone wants the upper hand, and then there are the those who fight to keep the balance even, and us mere mortals are none the wiser.

The Night Watch is the first in a series of three books, so now I’m on the hunt for The Day Watch and The Twilight Watch.

www.amazon.com here I come.

I'M HUMAN, NOT PERFECT

On the bus on the way into work this morning I noticed the trees.

Usually they just zip passed the window and fade in to the background like everything else, but not today.

Today I paid close attention to the leaves on the tress, how they danced in the breeze with excitement, fell from the branches in a panic, or sat content in their place, watching the world go by.

They made me think of life.

Life is not sort of the thing I usually think about at 7:30 in the morning before I’ve had my coffee, but here I was, sitting on full bus, next to a man who clearly needed more than one standard seat, staring out the window, thinking about life.

I thought about how, if Mother Nature could let her children be so excited, why is it so hard for humans to get excited about life in general?

Now I know there are hundreds of thousands of people out there who embrace life and live it to their fullest, but then there are those of us who let it pass us by. Life doesn’t just happen; you have to do something with it. Opportunities don’t get handed to you on a plate; they’re a product of decision and circumstance.

The few times that life has reminded me that I am a mere mortal flashed before me.

Loosing my eldest brother several years ago, nearly loosing my father earlier this year, to watching premature new born Jack, my friends son, fight for the right for life.

Then, for a moment, I thought, “I don’t remember the last time I gave money to a homeless man”

Clearly I thought about a lot of random things on the bus this morning – it must be something in the water.

Then it came to me. The last time I gave money to a homeless man was a couple of months ago. He was selling The Big Issue on the street, so I took a twenty out of my wallet and exchanged it for a copy of the magazine, and refused to take any change.

I see a lot of homeless in this city. I think because Adelaide is one of the smaller Australian cities with a smaller population, you just notice them more. I don’t think there are actually any more homeless people than anywhere else, you just see them better.

The final thought I had, before plunging my hand into the depths of Mary Popins style handbag to retrieve my MP3 Player so that I could drown out these deep and meaningful feelings, was about how we pass people by.

Yesterday, my partner and I were walking around the town we’re due to move to in December. On the pavement there was a little bird making a lot of noise. It was injured and couldn’t fly.

“Cheep Cheep Cheep” he cried as we walked on by.

We stopped, said “aww”, and kept going.

My heart said to scoop him up and take him to the vet.

But it was Sunday, no vets open on Sunday.

So we left the poor defenceless little creature to cheep away.

We as a humans do this far too often. We see someone fighting for survival, for the right to life and for the right for good quality of life, and many of us just walk on by.

We walk on by, and leave the battlers to do battle with their demons.

It’s something I’m guilty of, and I’ll admit it. I’m human, not perfect.

MYBOOK & FACESPACE

It’s been several weeks since my last blog confession. I just can’t seem to get my groove back.

As a newcomer to BlogSpot, I will be easing myself into my new, err, blog spot.

My usual haunts are mybook and facespace, but you won’t find Belle Towers listed there. I’m a little over the social networking sites. I just want to write.

I’m not convinced that being tracked down by 200 people with whom you had a vague coexistence with back when you thought skip-its were cool and played marbles for lunch money counts as ‘social networking’.

Nor does half your work place adding you as a friend mean that you are actually friends. There are several people I work with who I would gladly poke in the eye with a hot knitting needle coated in citric acid.

It does however prove that I make an impression.

And I don’t mean the sort of impression that sitting on a sofa with my nice round derrière leaves.

So then there was BlogSpot, a not-so-social networking site (tell that my internet security here at work “WARNING – QUOTA TIME REQUIED – SOCIAL NETWORKING SITS ARE RESTRICTED”… whatever, looser. Just because you don’t have a cyber life you have to ruin it for the rest of us).

Anyhoo

I found blog spot through a friend. She too appears to be a rather prolific blogger here. She’s one of my dearest friends, though I think I’ve spoken to her on the phone maybe twice. I’m very proud of her, she seems to have come a long way in the short 13 years I’ve known her, as have her children.

We met many moons ago in an online chat room, and surrogate mother-daughter relationship was forged in the fiery depths of cyber-chat hell. There were tears and tantrums, support and encouragement, the occasional match-making (don’t think I didn’t notice) and of course, the sounding board for all things potentially harmful to our health, like men.

But that’s a whole other blog.

Here I think I’ll enjoy being me.