EVERYONE LEAVES EVENTUALLY

Lately I find myself a little lost.

I know who I am

I know who I’m not

I know what I like

I know my faults and I keep them in check

I know what I won’t tolerate from others

But I’ve still manage to go and lose myself.

Well, more the ability to be myself.

The only person who sees me as me is my partner.

We’re a bit crazy, but that’s why we love each other.

We have random surrealist conversations, deep and meaningful conversations, we kills spiders with hairspray and a vacuum, have complete opposite tastes in all sorts of stuff, and therefore healthy debates, a sick sense of humour, and we laugh.

We laugh a lot. He truly brings joy to my life in so many ways.

Which is great, and he’s one in a million and that’s why I love him

But I used to have friends that I could be like that with too.

I used to have friends that saw the real me. Then my world was turned upside down, I did a disappearing act and cut myself off and built some seriously big barricades around my emotions and my personality.

He’s the only one who knows me, who I turned to at that time in my life, which is why he still knows the real me. He never lost me in that respect.

Not many other people know me, really know me.

One of the biggest issues I have is my adaptability.

I suppose normally that would be seen as a positive thing, but when you’ve moved around so much and had to adapt to people and situations and cultures from the age of nine, knowing who you are, who you really are, can be quite a task. I’m normally who ever I need to be for that person / situation.

It can be even harder trying to allow people past the barricades. Generally copious amounts of alcohol, or an in depth conversation via the internet (not face to face) is the way to get under my skin. When I don’t have to look you in the eye, I’ll tell you anything. When I can push a button and turn you off, or blame the booze, all is well.

Besides, who wants to make friends and then have to leave them behind in 12 months time anyway?

I find the balance between colleague and friend hard to maintain. I don’t like to discuss my personal life with people I barely know, but often the only way to get to know people is to discuss your personal life.

It’s a bit of a catch 22.

Maybe I think I’m complicated and that people just won’t understand me, or want to get to know me. Or it’s probably more to do with not wanting to have people close to me so that it can’t hurt when they leave.

Everyone leaves eventually, weather it’s physically removing themselves from the friendship or emotionally detaching, everyone, well, almost everyone, leaves eventually.

Even me.